Let's talk relationships

Helping young people to recognise and avoid unhealthy relationships is a challenge but we need to start the awkward conversations early, says domestic abuse expert Paula DeVaux

Words: Libby Norman

Domestic violence accounts for what percentage of violent crime? Answer: 41%. This, along with 11 other hard-hitting questions, is part of a multiple-choice quiz designed by the teenage relationship education programme Escape the TRAP. Other quiz questions focus on behaviour young people are more aware of. For instance: ‘One in three teens say they are text messaged how many times an hour by a partner inquiring where they are?’. The answer: 30 times an hour.

While the first statistic is obviously shocking, the second is also a loud alarm bell. “Coercive control is the bookend of domestic abuse. You’ve got coercive control within the relationship and then, post break up, the risk of stalking,” says Paula DeVaux. “If people are waiting for that first incident of violence, we are missing all those incidents of coercive control.” She says we need to let young people know how such obsessive behaviours work. “There is always a pattern, and the pattern is always coercive control. Extreme jealousy and checking up on someone are some of the warning signs, for our young people to recognise.”

“Andrew Tate is just one of many harmful influences. It’s important that we give our children the opportunity to talk about it”

Paula DeVaux knows a lot about relationships that turn dangerous. She is a former probation officer who specialised in helping to rehabilitate domestic abuse perpetrators. During her career, she also supported victims and children and was seconded to Children’s Services to train front-line professionals across Norfolk.

These days, she delivers training in the public and private sectors, and that includes workshops and talks within independent and state schools. She’s also a facilitator for specialist programmes, including Escape the TRAP, the eight-week course designed by psychotherapist Cathy Press (TRAP stands for Teenage Relationship Abuse Programme).

Working to support young people has become a big part of DeVaux’s professional life, but she also has personal motivation as witness to domestic abuse throughout her childhood. This was not something she revealed during her earlier career, but now she sees it as something of a superpower, especially when it comes to reaching young people.

She is particularly exercised by the mixed messages children and teenagers face – both in popular culture and on social media – alongside the negative impact of the Andrew Tates of this world. “Our young people are saturated with this. He’s just one of many when we look at all the unhealthy and harmful influences. It’s important that we explore this with our children and give them the opportunity to talk about it.”

“When I go into primary age schools, I talk about what being a lovely friend means – that paves the way for relationships to come”

As well as the risk of modelling the bad influences they see there is, of course, the perennial issue that many young people will, at some point, gravitate to the loudest voice in the room – often the bad influence. “Children are attracted to someone who’s a someone. We need them to know that being respected isn’t being feared.”

Then there’s understanding the differences between care and control in relationships – especially romantic ones. “There’s a massive confusion between jealousy and love which our young people have – a ‘well, you can’t love me enough if you’re not jealous’.” So, the 30 texts in one hour question from that Escape the TRAP quiz is really pertinent to this age group.

Just as young people confuse jealousy and love, they are (like adults) often quick to victim blame while excusing the perpetrator. “It’s important that we support young people to recognise that it’s not about mental health, substance misuse, ADHD – it’s not caused by those things. Those things might make it worse, but the only thing that causes domestic abuse is power and control,” says DeVaux. “If we collude with that then we are doing a real disservice to all of those people that are dealing with those issues on a regular basis. There are loads of people that have had those experiences and have never been abusive or violent in their relationships.”

Explaining that there’s never a justification for abuse is vital. So too is clearing up the misconception about what an abuser is like. In her sessions, she often explodes the preconceptions by pulling up a slide showing baddies from famous films. She then goes on to explain that perpetrators are individuals who look and sound like us. They come from all walks of life, and they may be male or female. What they have in common is this set of controlling behaviours we can spot.

“Young people are more likely to be talking to each other – we need them to be really good advice givers”

While DeVaux’ sessions are often with the teenage plus age groups, she delivers age-appropriate advice to all ages. For younger children, this focuses on friendships. “When I go into primary age schools – and I talk to children as young as Reception age – I talk to them about what being a lovely friend means. What does that look like and what does that feel like? If we get that foundation right, that paves the way for all those other relationships to come,” she says.

“If anyone in your life makes you feel sad or bad, they’re not your person – and that’s what I teach. The people in your life that are your go-tos, they are your biggest cheerleaders.” The importance of these conversations is in teaching young people to recognise their own worth – their right to be who they are – and also to help each other recognise toxic situations. “Peer acceptance is a huge deal, and young people are more likely to be talking to each other before they talk to an adult about any of these issues, so we need them to be really good advice givers to each other.”

While young people may not understand the complexities of coercive control, they are well able to understand the principle that no friend should tell them what to wear, eat, say or do. “I let them know that if you’re ever doing anything because you think you should or you have to, not because you want to but because you’re worried if you don’t there’s a consequence and you’re scared of that consequence, then that is not OK. That’s the moment where often they’ll be looking at each other or looking down – you can see those lightbulb moments.” An early intervention may help both potential future victims and perpetrators change course.

Difficult though it may feel, especially when we want to protect children and stop them growing up too fast, Paula DeVaux bellieves it’s vital to start the conversation early, and to keep it going. “Don’t avoid those awkward conversations and think they are too young for it. They are not. And if we don’t talk about it, they’ll go to social media or Google.” Meanwhile, she believes every school should provide a specific programme to help children navigate those first romantic relationships in safety and with their self-esteem intact. “It’s a life skill – I’d argue it’s as essential as learning how to swim.”

Paula DeVaux pauladevaux.co.uk

Sources of support
* Your Best Friend – advice for young people supporting friends yourbestfriend.org.uk and #friendscantell
* The Mix – charity and 24/7 helpline providing under 25s advice themix.org.uk
* Childline – charity and 24/7 helpline – website with useful friendship/relationship advice childline.org.uk
* SafeLives – charity working to end domestic abuse safelives.org.uk