We all know the toddler years bring joy and tantrums, but how best to manage the meltdowns?Dr Lin Day, Founder of Toddler Sense, gives expert advice
Tantrums are the most common behavioural problem in children between 18 months and three years of age – they are also a normal part of child development. These temper outbursts are the result of complex interactions between the two hemispheres of your child’s brain, temperament and the environment.
As toddlers acquire stronger communication skills, they become more able to manage their emotions. But factors such as tiredness, boredom, hunger, jealousy, or lack of attention still result in uncooperative behaviour or an emotional outburst. When parents understand what the typical triggers are and can read their child’s body language and verbal cues, they are better able to minimise the factors that trigger a tantrum.
Tantrum reactions can range from screaming, hitting, kicking, pushing and pulling to a milder response such as whining or crying. Some toddlers have around one tantrum a month, while others may have as many as six a day. Duration can also vary from less than a minute to 40 minutes plus.
Despite their challenges, tantrums do provide an opportunity to learn more about your child. You can observe the events that led up to the behaviour and find ways of understanding and diffusing them. Taking this approach also means you can help them to develop self-control skills and, over time, manage emotions in a more positive way.
Emotional influences
In the second year of life, the brain undergoes rapid development. The frontal lobes associated with speech and language mature, and vocabulary become more expressive. In the third year, medial-temporal lobes undergo equally rapid change, and toddlers gain more control of emotions. But communication between these important brain areas still remain limited. This is one reason why toddlers may have rapid mood swings.
Genetic inheritance, health and environmental influences play a role in emotional behaviour. Some children are more prone to stubbornness, determination, and persistence than others. The resulting outburst may be frustrating in the early years, but these same personality traits can be beneficial to intellectual and future creative development over the longer term.
Health difficulties or developmental delays also drive emotional outbursts. Toddlers with speech or hearing impairments sometimes throw tantrums because of communication challenges and frustration in getting their needs understood. Research from Northwestern University found that toddlers with fewer spoken words had more frequent and severe temper outbursts compared to peers with more typical language skills. This highlights the importance of consistent work on language development as a tool for reducing tantrum behaviours.
Managing outbursts
Tantrums and behavioural issues are also caused by stored anxieties or emotions. For example, some children find it hard to adjust to changes, such as starting nursery or preschool, moving to a new house or the arrival of a sibling. Waking in the night, thumb-sucking, and prickly behaviour during the day may suggest that a toddler is storing emotions they are having difficulty dealing with.
Other typical scenarios leading up to an outburst include tiredness, hunger, boredom, lack of physical activity, criticism and lack of attention. Likewise, a child who feels under pressure to do something that they are not mentally ready for or is frustrated at being misunderstood can react badly. Toddlers may also struggle if there’s unwanted interference from someone in an activity they are enjoying or they are told to stop doing something before they are ready. Other factors include frustration at not being able to achieve something they have set out to do – building something from toy bricks, for instance.
When it comes to managing an outburst, some toddlers accept being held close, while others do their best to avoid any contact. That emotional coping strategy of flailing arms and legs and writhing about on the floor is an all-too-familiar embarrassment for parents when it happens in public. In these situations, reasoning or remonstrating tends to escalate and prolong the outburst. The best solution is to try calmly moving your child to a safe space where they can let off steam, at which point you can calm the situation.
Understanding triggers
Sadness and attempts to make amends are emotions frequently presented at the end of a tantrum. It’s important to respond positively. A physical hug provides reassurance and comfort. It also promotes trust and a feeling of emotional stability.
Each tantrum provides clues, so you can try and bypass trouble in the first place. For example, if your child has a tantrum when they are asked to put their toys away, advance warning will give them the chance to wind down before the end of play and cooperate more willingly. By the same token, a toddler who is fed and rested when they are taken shopping and made to feel they have an active part in what you are doing will be less likely to get bored and frustrated.
If you know you are going to be tied up in a meeting, an important phone call or something else that will divert part of your attention away from your child, it helps if you plan activities in advance to keep them busy. Getting out their favourite construction or mechanical toys, colouring kit or modelling dough are good ways to capture interest and reduce the likelihood of an outburst when you have to give something or someone else your time.
Until children learn to manage their emotions, tantrums will still erupt from time to time. But there’s no doubt that a caring and loving approach plays an important role in reducing them and helping your child to develop the emotional skills to cope with life’s daily frustrations and setbacks.
The most positive reaction from you is to be reasonable and consistent in your expectations – understanding how much is down to age and stage. When you stay in control of your own emotions, you not only model positive behaviour to your child but are also far better equipped to manage tantrums and outbursts kindly, quickly and successfully.
Toddler Sense toddlersense.com
Further reading: Kalmer Kids on mindfulness for an anxious child
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