Parent power: Sibling trouble

Arguments between siblings are hardly news, but techniques for keeping the peace are something every parent needs to know

Sibling rivalries have been going on since at least the time of Cain and Abel, and there’s no comfort in that particular bible story. The fights in the back of the car, the hysterical meltdown over a small word or act and – worst of all – the smash and grab over a toy or treasure one possesses and the other wants. Every parent’s fear is that baby squabbles grow into toxic teen grudges. Why can’t the kids just get along?

Fighting talk

While it’s normal to fear the worst, sibling rivalry is completely normal, logical even. Babies are pre-programmed to demand parental attention and love, and also to assert their own place within the family. The arrival of a younger brother or sister often causes outbursts of jealousy, as feelings of insecurity rise to the surface.

Rivalries tend to be more heated at a young age, and when siblings are close in age. Among older children, causes can include the extra time and attention one child gets due to illness or special needs. As to twins, trouble may follow if they feel they are not being treated as individuals.

Managing emotions

Helping children to understand and manage normal human emotions is part of parenting but keep expectations age appropriate. Calling time out on fights and acting as ringmaster when it comes to sharing a toy, for instance, teaches them about consideration. The calmer you are the more time they have to let anger subside and kindness kick in.   

Taking sides if you didn’t see the microaggression or hear the insult is a bad idea, But when it comes to possessions, it’s OK to ask a child to give way to their little brother or sister, provided it’s done carefully – appealing to their family status as the senior and more responsible one. It’s also good to remind children that life is about compromise and sometimes they have to be the bigger person and move on.

Playing to strengths

Teaching them to share is vital, but sometimes it can be a good idea to consider if siblings would be better on a separate pathway. Don’t assume they will enjoy the same clubs, shine at the same sports – or even thrive at the same school. Sometimes, giving children space to grow by themselves is helpful for their psyche and for long-term family bonds.

Thankfully, most children switch from fighting to defending each other against the world (including you, the parent). Help sibling solidarity along by celebrating when they work as a team. Honesty can work miracles, so if you can bear to divulge your childhood atrocities committed against their beloved auntie or uncle, that might help them understand that sibling fights are all part of the journey of growing up together.

Further reading: Parent power – ‘I’m bored’