Alicia Drunmond, BACP-registered therapist and founder of Wellbeing Hub, discusses how to support a teenager who is struggling with self-esteem

Q: My daughter is going through a difficult patch. School is supportive, but what can we do at home to help build up her self-esteem and resilience? 

A: Resilience is the ability to recover quickly from difficulties, to adapt well to change, and to keep going in the face of adversity. Self-esteem is our core sense of having value – of being ok. There are things every parent can do to help children cope with life’s challenges.  Here are ways to help your daughter. 

Love her for who she is Every child deserves to be loved just because they exist. If we focus on what our child does, the message they may internalise is that they are only ok when they behave in a certain way or bring home the prizes and wins.

Believe in her So often we do things for our children that they can do themselves. When we underestimate a child’s capabilities, the message they get is, ‘I don’t think you can do this’. Encourage your daughter to become self-reliant. Show her how to do things, give praise for having a go and be gentle when she gets things wrong. Ask her what you are currently doing for her that she could do for herself.

Nurture her inner coach. Whenever you hear your daughter putting herself down, or underestimating her ability, ask what she would say to her best friend and then encourage her to apply the same messages to herself. Help her learn that what she does influences how she feels. For example, if she is following people on social media who make her feel inferior, encourage her to follow at least four positive role models. 

Don’t rescue her It is so hard to watch a child struggle but rescuing them does not help in the longer term. Instead, empathise and when she is calm encourage her to come up with her own solutions. If she has no ideas, rather than offering lots of suggestions, ask if she would like your opinion.

Let her experience consequences All children get into trouble from time to time. How we react determines whether these incidents become opportunities for growth and learning. If your daughter gets into trouble, don’t try to rescue her from the consequences, instead empathise, ask her what she can do to make amends, what she has learnt and, what she might do differently next time, then encourage her to put the incident behind her and move on.

Allow her to feel her feelings Children need to learn that all emotions change, and that all have value. Suppressing them can have negative consequences, for instance, suppressed fear can manifest as anxiety. If your daughter is experiencing strong emotions, soothe her by establishing a connection with a hug or a sympathetic gesture. Then use your empathy skills to guess what she is feeling and give her the word to describe the feeling. Once children have named a feeling once, they are more able to handle it when it pops up again – and this builds emotional intelligence.

Wellbeing Hub teentips.co.uk

Further reading: Simply Learning Tuition on on helping a child struggling at school

Alicia Drummond Ask the Experts Feature Featured senior Sixth Form Teen Tips Wellbeing Hub